Times are hard, change is hard, and sacrifice is harder. My ongoing crisis of self has reached its zenith this holiday season; new country, new people, new job, new struggles. Some of it is new, though much of it is the same as it has been for well over a year. But I feel like I’m under pressure on all fronts now, without the option of retreat. My desire for a solution, one that is definitive and decisive, is desperate.
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more. - Henry V
So I plan and I imagine so many different ways I can break out of my encirclement. How do I make myself feel at home in this country? How do I accept the passing of old relationships? How do I manage the new ones I make here? How do I get over the hurts of my past? How do I get past my mental illness? How do I do the things I want to do? How do I become the person I want to be? How do I have the life that I want? There are many answers to those questions, but there are few that are easy and likely to succeed.
I feel like my life has become a battle, and I feel guilty for feeling that way, given that there are people I know and love who have it so much harder. But a struggle is a struggle, a real one, for whoever is experiencing it.