It has been two years since I made a promise to myself. It was a promise that I would figure out who I wanted to be, what I wanted to do with my life, and what it would take for me to get to that point. I wanted to find some sense of purpose and happiness. In the time since then many things have changed. Now there are new people, new places, and new circumstances. My life is entirely different... but I know in my heart that my promise isn't yet fulfilled, and now I fear that it's a promise that I may break.
The changes that happened were all incredible. So much progress was made toward building the life and the identity that I felt I was meant to have. There were things that made me happy, experiences that made me a smarter and better person, and important lessons were learned. But for all of that success came mistakes, compromises, and the realization that sometimes life will get in the way of the things we really want for ourselves. Restlessness, for now, has won the day.
The belief that we can have everything we want if we work for it is a fallacy that comes from the privilege so many of us, including myself, are born into. When the lesson finally comes that sometimes things are simply out of reach, it can be a bitter pill to swallow. The hardest part of my promise is that it is half-fulfilled; I know who I want to be and I know what I want out of life, but I also know that many of these things may not be possible. Not without change.
If I were a worthy man, and a courageous man, then perhaps I could fulfill that promise to myself. But it would require me to release my burdens, take greater risks, and bare myself openly to a world that terrifies me. Other spoken and unspoken promises would need to be broken, bridges would need to be burned, and feelings would need to be hurt. A radical and selfish oath of loyalty sworn to my own heart and soul is a heavy price to pay for the sense of a life well lived and a purpose fulfilled.
But I finally know the things I need to know and now I am left with a decision. Am I to be the milquetoast man? Or am I to be the promised man? Will I wither in my compromises? Or will I revel in the life and purpose I make for myself? Now is the time for hope, now is the time for righteousness, now is the time for rebellion.