At the very beginning of last week I found myself doing dishes and staring out of the window. It's not an uncommon occurrence, as I naturally zone out a lot, and dishes tend to be one of the more meditative of household chores. Staring out into the yard I noticed patches of brown, dead grass that stood out like a sore thumb. An unusually long stretch of hot sunny days had just gone by and it seemed to be taking its toll on the neighborhood. It had been taking its toll on me too. I'm certainly no stranger to the heat (no Australian is) but the humidity up here is something that makes life drag onward at a slow pace that drains you.
For me, life has seemed to be stuck at this pace for months. The initial enthusiasm that took hold when the weather finally began to warm up was replaced by a slow and desperate struggle. Grappling with my restlessness and desperate need for change resulted in dashed expectations and a realization that I simply cannot makes things the way I want them to be. It had been a slow road to acceptance, there are few things as hard as knowing that there are things you simply can't achieve. Parts of my life had begun to stagnate, or at least slow down, and the direction that my life so desperately needs was beginning to slip away. I stared out of that window, accepting that my struggle was finished, and that I could not succeed. That was until later in the week, when an unexpected guest brought with her the gift of rain.
There are few things that herald change in the way that rain does. It has a way of bringing a dying world back to life, like the dead patches of grass out there on the lawn. It washes away the debris of the world and leaves us with a fresh surface. So many doubts were assuaged, so many questions were answered, and over the course of a week my faith in life was slowly coming back to me. Now I can see the world more clearly and I am encouraged by the signs telling me to press on. I know what I want, I know what I want my life to be about. So again, as I so often feel the need, I am going to try again.