Looking, Trying

Things have been odd lately. Everything goes up and down and it feels like it's impossible to find a gentle landing. I've been stuck in this fog waiting and hoping I'll find something; whatever that something turns out to be.

That's been my whole life. Always looking for it, even if I don't know what it is. I tell myself I'll know it when I find it, but I've thought I found it so many times before. Sometimes it was a place, a person, or an idea. In the end I guess none of them were what I was looking for.

I think that's why I've started my life over again so many times? I looked for it in America, Japan, Australia… I found things in these places, so many places, but not what I've been looking for. I looked for it in people, friends and partners who have come and gone. I even started looking for it in my work, my hobbies, my beliefs. None of them were it.

Maybe Melbourne might be it? I have always been an optimist, so I'm hopeful, and I have that feeling that I'm meant to be here right now. I felt a spark of something, another mystery, but one I worry I can't follow. It's so often been that way in recent years and I'm wary now of chasing shadows.

I'm just so tired of the search. It would be nice if that elusive feeling, or whatever the hell it is, could come and look for me for a change. If I stay and make my stand here, as it feels like I'm meant to, maybe it will find me eventually. Because right now I'm worn out and hoping for something good.

It's in my nature though, to keep looking, to keep trying. So I don't think I can ever stop.