Dear Pika
Dear Pika,
It’s almost been a year since The End. For all the regret, all the hurt, things are different now. The hardest year of my life was a golden one. I can’t even begin to tell you how much has changed, how much is different. I’m not sure you would recognize who I am now. Not that either of us want to test that.
I lived so much this year. I dance now (poorly). I made friends and remembered the value of kindness and generosity. I leaned into photo and digital art. I write again, I mean really write. I lost 40 kilos and run 5k every week (yes that is a flex, I’m hot now). I started a business and made it work. It’s amazing what treatment for ADHD can do.
The story is of course so much more complicated than all of that. There were moments that I won… and moments that I lost. But I tried, I always tried, because I promised myself that I would. And that’s one of the few things about me that didn’t change. You know how I feel about a promise.
I’m not telling you all of this because I need your approval, I haven’t needed that for a very long time. I’m telling you because all that context, all that work, all that growth, forms the basis for my last act of courage in this fight; my decision to forgive you.
Of all the lessons I learned this year, forgiveness was the hardest one. I recently learned through my own mistakes, that forgiveness is never owed, and that we don’t have to forgive the people that wrong us. But we can make that choice, if we’re ready, if it’s what’s good for us. The bitterness that I held on to got me through the worst of everything that came after what you did, but I don’t need it anymore.
In that spirit, I forgive you, for all of it. It doesn’t absolve you, it doesn’t mean it never happened, but… it’s in the past now. Those painful days are gone and I choose to leave them there. I only hope that in some small way you learned something, that you grew, and that you became a better person. To err is human, after all.
Little Bulba is safe but tired. We’re travelling again, onward to Melbourne this time, maybe that’s the city that finally sticks. He’s seen and done so much, I’m so proud of him. I think you would be too.
Joel