Permanent

My heart seeks permanence in so many ways, to find the things that exist in our lives that will stay no matter what. Sometimes it’s a place we find ourselves, sometimes it’s a situation we stumble into, sometimes it’s a person we meet.

The desire comes from the fear we feel when we remember the scars we carry. Of things we had and things we lost. It makes it hard to trust, or to accept the possibility of happiness, knowing what it feels like to lose it.

I often find myself trying to make up for it by being that permanent presence for something else. I’m drawn to impossible causes, impossible ideas, impossible people, and I commit with everything to be a part of it. Some people tell me it’s a strength… but it can be a weakness sometimes.

Deep down I have this sense of entitlement, I guess? That maybe I deserve to have things in my life that are permanent, if I’m dedicated enough to them. It’s wrapped up in all the things that I learned to value; kindness, honesty, dedication. If I can be those things then maybe I’ll be worthy.

It gets lonely. Feeling that I’m apart from the structures that we make for ourselves in the world. Every now and then I find something that lasts a little longer than just a fleeting moment. It’s a nice feeling for the time I’m there within it, a part of it. Though I’m always mindful of another painful end.

Until the day I am finally a part of something that can never be taken from me, that chooses never to leave, that can commit to me the way I would commit to something, I will be where I am now. Waiting for the next moment, the next risk, the next heartbreak.

The one thing I will always be is permanent.