Waves

When this spring began I knew things were going to change. I knew that something powerful was coming and I tried my best to prepare myself for it. In my heart I wanted so much for it to be good, I needed it to be good. If we’re being frank about things, I deserved that.

Though standing now in the water, facing the waves and the wind as it comes, I can’t see anything at all. I can hear the power of the storm, I can taste the salt in the air, I can feel the water washing the old parts of me away. Somehow I haven’t yet found myself pulled out to sea, or crushed and broken upon the shore. There is something stronger than all of it that is holding me here.

In my mind there is a picture I can see. The details change as the ocean rages, but the themes remain the same. I see a city washed in culture and lights and creativity. I feel the warmth of a smile over a cup of coffee in the morning. A hand is squeezing mine as I walk by a river in the night. My soul comes to life as I am held in someone’s arms. Until the waves calm just long enough for me to see a glimpse of their face.

I know who I saw, at least I think, I know what it felt like. It was different but it mirrored a part of me in a way that showed me I was still whole. A quiet voice that doesn’t usually speak is whispering to me now. It gives me clues and uncertain answers to nervous questions. But there are new days coming, an adventure, a time to find the answers that I’m looking for.

As I draw one long breath I take a step with my eyes closed. I don’t know where I’ll be when my eyes open, but I know in my heart that it will have all been worth it. It will be good.